dear you,

I have longed for people before, I have loved people before.
Not like this.

It was not this.

Give me a world, you have taken the world I was.

- Anne Carson

dear you,

if we were powhatan, I would say this:

yoowah tooskean tsepaih yapam
vtacqwowsun naantucah
tsepaantamen
quantamun
crenepo mucosjit. 

from the iliad

if i were but helen, and you paris of troy,
you would've swept me from the lovely hills of lacedaemon.
sailed me off and away in the racing deep-sea ships
and we would be locked in love on rocky island.

and if i were helen of sparta and you the prince of troy,
we would never have left the sun-specked, dreamy piece of floating land,
and set sail for tumultuous troy, protected by her ancient walls
and lord apollo, archer of the sky.

but we did.
and there was nothing to how i hunger for you now -
irresistible longing lays me low.

but if you could, 
touch me,
and i will burn. 

that sounds about right

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.

- Chuck Palahniuk

dear you,

5 days 14 hours and 43 minutes
is how long we've been apart.

and already i crave your insistent mouth,
pressing itself against my gasping soul.

i miss you.
and that translates as this:
i am plunging into the familiar abyss
with enough force
to shatter every single bone
in my body.

The Unabridged Journal of Sylvia Plath

"The blood of love welled up in my heart with a slow pain.

I am afraid. I am not solid but hollow. I feel behind my eyes a numb paralyzed cavern, a pit of hell, a mimicking nothingness."

Dear you,

You ruined me. And I hope you know that.

You throw my entire soul into confusion. I was born in the darkness, I thrived in the darkness. I fed on melancholy and depression but the few months that we had been together you denied me my occasional dose of dysphoria. These few months were the happiest I had ever been, and I had never known such happiness.  You were my prozac with yet unknown side effects and I knew that I shouldn't get too attached, but I was never really that good with moderation when it comes to love.

But all that was good and well when we were together. It was when I had to leave that things began to spin out of control. It is weird, to say the least. It is weird not to have you around all the time, it is weird to not be able to touch you, to see you and God I miss you. My tear-soaked pillow would testify to that.

All of a sudden, nothing seemed to be right. I am a stranger in this world that seems all too foreign and alien and I trudge through the days drugged and sick to my stomach. Sleeping became an unfamiliar concept, so did eating and breathing. The only thing in the entire world that made sense right now was crying. And even though it in no way made things any better - it fact, it might even have exacerbated things - there is a raw and barbarous joy in crying. And it is the closest thing to happiness these days.

I miss you. Every single cell in my body screams it. The 13000 kilometers between us is palpable - I could breathe it in the air.

I miss you. You ruined me. I miss you. I love you.

just saying

i don't want to make any promises but i might start writing here again soon.

you should never have loved me

i love you the way old joints hurt
aching and grinding into each other
as if they want to merge
and meld together.

i love you
but i would wear you down to dust
if i could. 

this is what tanha is all about

this skeleton aches in the absence of you;
weeping too hard, shivering too violently
these phalanges creak in desperation,
trying to grasp something that is
simply not there.