poems of my sins, part 2

Things are whispered in the dead of the night
That can't be said in the day.
I love you
I fucking love you.
But only just tonight.

poems of my sins, part 1

I am shattered.
I am a hollow shell, flesh picked clean
By gulls.
The sound of waves still echo in me,
But I am far from the ocean.
I am far from anything
I had ever known.

"i walked with you once upon a dream"

but fairy tales are

for little girls and you are too old, your soul

too battered for lies like that anymore.

fairy tales are for innocent, virginal girls in 

pink dresses 

and 

diamond crowns

and your eyes are too full of shadows, bones too

full of secrets to pretend

to be pure.

your mouth has tasted too much cum

for the kiss of a prince, and

you will never be able to

conceal the stubble burns etched into your skin

from past lovers.

you cannot un-taste the apple

you have stolen, 

you cannot un-see 

the hell you have glimpsed. 

on relationships

she said i can’t love you anymore

because you drain me.

you’re like a mutated, human-sized

leech feeding on every bit and morsel of me

and you scream whenever i cried salt tears.

i can never understand how

two people who mutually hurt each other

could stay together willingly

but now i see that people will always

hold onto things that they are

familiar with, even though it’s killing them.

and i’m sure those half-burned wounds

on your body would never heal

if you keep latching onto me

because i will never stop crying.

so it would be better if we

stop loving each other

anymore. 

There is always the moment of desperation or utter panic when you realize how confined, how boxed up and exiguous your life is. The idea of the thousands of places you could've seen, the myriad of interesting people you could've talked to and the avalanche of different sensations in different contexts you could've felt but didn't throws you into a transient state of complete and irrefutable devastation so mind-blowing that you would've denied that you ever lived at all.

Late Night Thoughts

You think the sadness leaves. It doesn’t. 

When I first met you, I said you were my Prozac with yet unknown side effects. Well I know what those side effects are now. First, that its efficacy is short-lived, and yet my body has grown so accustomed to it I cannot live without it anymore. Second, like most drugs, there is a period of complete and utter bliss, but then comes a crash that is so violent, it is something singularly spectacular to behold. 

These black, viscous, septic thoughts well up in my blood. These cancerous, virulent feelings course through my lymph. I’m trapped in a Sartre-ian limbo. Death says, you are far too contaminated, far too defiled for my kingdom. 

This sadness is inherent in me, in my mother’s blood, and her mother’s. This sadness caresses me, drowns me, buries me. I am the darkness that overwhelms, I am the darkness molten.

this familiar void again.
an abysmal, gaping hole of longing and solitude.

your absence is deafening.

a tale of love and cancerous growth

perhaps i never really learned to love.

i love you -

tumultuously, savagely;

i never learned to love otherwise.

my love is a benign tumor in times of peace

it occupies you, it is a part of you. 

but it has the potential to metastasize and proliferate

into an ugly mass of hatred and vitriol

so violent, so malevolent,

it would consume you whole.

i love you

but perhaps not the way you learned to be loved. 

声声慢

寻寻觅觅，冷冷清清，凄凄惨惨戚戚。乍暖还寒时候，最难将息。三杯两盏淡酒，怎敌他、晚来风急？雁过也，正伤心，却是旧时相识。 

　　满地黄花堆积。憔悴损，如今有谁堪摘？守著窗儿，独自怎生得黑？梧桐更兼细雨，到黄昏、点点滴滴。这次第，怎一个、愁字了得！

the first crack, pt 1

to you
promises are just frantic, desperate nothings;
whisperings meant to be forgotten,
self-destructive words meant to be broken.

you're a gaping hole of despair in the center of my being.
nothing ever hurt like you.